Men only: If you have a missus, but you trust your mistress

For Lisa, it all started with a video of her in a Mercedes at midnight, giggling and smoking weed. In it, a male voice instructs: ‘Hebu focus and look at the camera, sweetie pie, so it’s a good vid.’

Or rather, it all ENDED with that video that, high on weed, she put up on her Instagram last Saturday night, while in some random rich man’s car at a ‘funny party I was invited to...’

Lisa turns 25 in April. She’s been working at a small company in Upper Hill last three years. Her face isn’t what one would describe as pretty, and she’s on the shorter side. But the girl has ‘bedroom eyes,’ likes lolling her tongue and has ‘bomb butt,’ if you are the kind into behinds.

She has also been ‘in a serious relationship’ with a man quarter a century older than her those last three years. Let’s call him *Cairo.

He works as a professional Chief Accountant for a major Upper Hill company, and he spotted Lisa’s big ass (when she was new at her job) strolling for lunch at Upper Hill, stopped his big ass car to say ‘hi,’ and they became lovers. Just like that.

‘He moved me from Highrise to a 25K – now 30K rent flat – in Nairobi West. A one bedroom.’ And that’s all Cairo does for Lisa. Pay her Sh30,000 a month rent. In exchange, she lays him twice or thrice a week over lunchtime. ‘He’s married,’ she says. ‘Three tois, all boys. His wife is a doctor.’

When Lisa asked him, after a year, about moving their relationship to the next level, maybe by ‘getting a baby girl,’ Cairo was quite cold. ‘Relationship? What we have is an arrangement, Lisa.’

Clear now where she stood with him – a young woman who gave him sex ten times a month for 30K (three K per lunch time romp) – Lisa began to collect other men like a lepidopterologist collects butterflies. At the start of February 2021, she has the following regular men in her life.

A Nigerian she met at the club, in those party-after-part’e days of 2019, when corona was a rumour. ‘My oga is both fun and good in the sack,’ Lisa says. ‘We go out Fridays, come back to my place, drink some more, smoke weed, go to bed.’ This is her regular Friday night routine.

On Sundays, like clockwork, her OCS top cop sponsor shows up in the afternoon. She will cook for him, he will drink his whiskey (he thinks she is a good SDA girl who doesn’t touch booze).

‘I told Officer (that’s what she calls him) I am an SDA so that he NEVER thinks of coming to my house on Saturdays,’ Lisa says. ‘He’s like 60, but I think he’s on blue pills coz he really lasts ...’ Then when he goes, he’ll leave a wad of notes (usually Sh10,000) on the table.

Lisa is also sleeping weekday evenings with the Boss of the small firm she works at, at the Hill.

‘My Mdosi runs the company for his very wealthy father-in-law. They pay him a salary. He married a woman way above his lane, financially, and although they have a young daughter, they are so unhappy together!

In fact Mdosi suspects his missus is having a comfort affair with her ‘best friend,’ another loaded dude whom they grew up sharing fences with in Lavington...’

Once in a while, Mdosi asks her to stay late, and has ‘angry rubs’ with Lisa on the reception couch. ‘It’s like he uses me to get back at his wife in some twisted furious way; but he pays.’

Lisa also has this ‘young guy’ (mid 20s), a neighbor, whom she spends Saturdays with. She calls him her Toy Boy Troy.

‘Troy is sweet. Totally into me. I send him around. Sometimes he drops me at work. Single guy.’

She likes to cuddle with him, and watch movies Saturday evenings, ‘but I seldom give him sex.’

Why not? ‘He’s the only man I feel I control, instead of the other way round.’

‘Okay, so Cairo broke up with you over that Instagram video. Who will be your Valentine?’

‘What day will it be? A Sunday you say? Guess it’s Officer, but I don’t think he knows Vale.’

In reality, what’s worrying Lisa is, with her arrangement done, ‘nani atanilipia rent?’

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